I have been fighting a gnawing self-loathing for awhile and doing things to keep my mind occupied. Unfortunately, that tends to mean doing things I shouldn’t be doing, or at least not at the ideal time. Like gaming instead of sleeping or surfing instead of working on my goals or eating out instead of going home.
Then I got hit with bad news from my parents. Long story short, financial insecurity right when I don’t need more financial insecurity.
So I’m fighting the self loathing and panic attacks and outrage and helplessness.
I decided to buy healthy groceries and stop eating out.
And then I decided to walk.
Groceries in the car, I parked at the lake, changed into shorts in the parking lot and took off to Vampire Weekend accompanying me.
I decided exercise was the only way to boost my seratonin where it needs to be to get through this.
I started out and everything hurt.
I was reflecting on why bodies carry so much pain, why my body hurts so much.
And I just kept going.
Thinking about the things I have to be thankful for. Thinking about the things I should be angry about. Thinking about wanting to live instead of die here.
And a funny thing happened after the first mile.
I stopped to take a photo of the sunset. I reflected on it for a moment. How beautiful that was.
All the pain left my body. My shoulders and neck and back which had been aching and pulling me down— just faded away.
I felt 10lbs lighter. I felt like I was going twice as fast as before. Zooming past people. Smiling.
Slowly the feeling faded. Some pain came back, but I was left with a positive feeling. A warmth of hope.
A sense that I could do it, hardship and all.
It’s going to be a long walk.
