I’ve accomplished some stuff that needed accomplishing. Much more to do. It’s not easy to man-up and deal with stuff that combines emotions with the legal process, money and memories. Panic attacks don’t help productivity and I hate even being someone that deals with them. But I see myself getting stronger, slowly. I couldn’t have done any of this 5 years ago.

I have been fighting a gnawing self-loathing for awhile and doing things to keep my mind occupied. Unfortunately, that tends to mean doing things I shouldn’t be doing, or at least not at the ideal time. Like gaming instead of sleeping or surfing instead of working on my goals or eating out instead of going home.

Then I got hit with bad news from my parents. Long story short, financial insecurity right when I don’t need more financial insecurity.

So I’m fighting the self loathing and panic attacks and outrage and helplessness.

I decided to buy healthy groceries and stop eating out.

And then I decided to walk.

Groceries in the car, I parked at the lake, changed into shorts in the parking lot and took off to Vampire Weekend accompanying me.

I decided exercise was the only way to boost my seratonin where it needs to be to get through this.

I started out and everything hurt.

I was reflecting on why bodies carry so much pain, why my body hurts so much.

And I just kept going.

Thinking about the things I have to be thankful for. Thinking about the things I should be angry about. Thinking about wanting to live instead of die here.

And a funny thing happened after the first mile.

I stopped to take a photo of the sunset. I reflected on it for a moment. How beautiful that was.

All the pain left my body. My shoulders and neck and back which had been aching and pulling me down— just faded away.

I felt 10lbs lighter. I felt like I was going twice as fast as before. Zooming past people. Smiling.

Slowly the feeling faded. Some pain came back, but I was left with a positive feeling. A warmth of hope.

A sense that I could do it, hardship and all.

It’s going to be a long walk.

I’ve lost 20 lbs since beginning the diet.
 Down to 303 lbs with 103 lbs to go to my 200 lbs goal.

Progress.

Eager to break 300. Definitely doing it before my 37th birthday in August. I’d like to be 200lbs when I turn 38. Seems like a good goal, but honestly I’ll be happy to be 200 at 40. Definitely doable.

Mid-way goal is to get low enough to do a tandem skydive. My heart tests out fantastic despite years of abuse, so the weight is the only thing holding me back.

Diet has sucked for awhile now, but I’m still trying to eat lower carb with only occasional sugar.

Exercise has also sucked with the onset of summer. The humidity and couple bouts of allergy induced vertigo has set me back. I’ve felt my mood drop along with my seratonin levels.

Went swimming today. It was a great break and much needed exercise. Swam about 5 straight laps and then spent an hour doing laps on my back. I like to go both directions just using my legs. It’s a great no-impact run/bike motion to go forward (feet first).

Way more stamina with my manly legs than my wimpy arms at the moment, but I dud spend sone time working on the rotator muscles that have been slowing me down for awhile now.

Minus body is still on track.

I’ve lost 16 lbs since beginning the diet.
 Down to 307 lbs with 107 lbs to go to my 200 lbs goal.

Progress.

I can’t wait to get under 200….

Been dealing with some personal demons as I’ve been losing weight and exercising more. I’ve made some important discoveries and unfolded another part of the map that had previously been concealed along with my toes.

I’m still making progress, however. Not only with the weight, but with the demons as well.

Friendship is a very important key to success.

Today’s lunch equation (by designer that doesn’t do math): (Mild Cheddar cheese +Mexican mayo with jalapeños +Rolled in slices of Virginia ham) +Jicama sticks +Walnuts +Diet Mountain Dew (normally it’s water but I’m upping caffeine as a natural diuretic to lower my sodium levels) = i -fat

Yesterday, a friend and I got an hour massage and whirlpool visit that I’d actually purchased back in December (great deal on Groupon!).

It was so relaxing (despite the chatty masseuse).

It was sunny out and I got to wear shorts with the VFFs for the first time.

Had a nice brunch and talked.

Setting off to do my screenwriting for the day, I had my friend drop me off at a coffee shop about a mile and a half from home. This ensured I’d get a walk in despite being relaxed and lazy.

Unfortunately, as I was leaving for home that evening a very strong wind had kicked up and it got very cold. I was getting messages about rain in the area.

So with scary weather imminent (big tree branches were already coming down) and a mile through a not-terrible-but-not-great part of town— me and my giant messenger bag decided to hurry.

Hurrying in new VFFs with a heavy bag is a bad idea.

Started taking longer strides than I should and hitting my heel too much.

By the time I got home I had a sore spot on my heel and my back was aching.

Today I’m quite sore. Feet feel bruised. Back and neck aches.

But, no pain no gain. I wanted to strengthen my feet and this certainly helped.

Today, however, I am wearing nice padded socks and Skechers to let the swelling come down.

Only a couple blocks worth of walking.

Feel silly getting the massage and then beating myself up, but probably no harm done.

I’ve lost 12 lbs since beginning the diet.

Down to 311 lbs with 111 lbs to go to my 200 lbs goal.

Progress.

I walked the mile home in my VFFs. I’m amazed by how the small amount of padding actually protects my feet from acorns, rocks and sticks. I can feel my foot start to wrap around the obstacle, I change my stride accordingly, but no pain. That’s a good thing while I’m toughening up my feet and building muscle.

Ultimately, I feel like we spare ourselves too much pain in life (see The Avoidance Of Pain post from a few days ago). Pain is our birthright. It’s a finely tuned sense that has taken a long time to develop. It’s there for a reason and we do everything in our ability to deaden it and prevent the notification.

Nature’s way of getting rid of pain is strengthening us. Man’s way of getting rid of pain is weakening us.