This is SUPER annoying. I’ve been losing weight. Losing fat and getting noticeably thinner. My pants were getting looser along with my shirts. 

Suddenly, I have hit some weird fat loss stage where whatever fat was supporting my mass started to dissolve so my belly shifted down and BOOM I can hardly get my pants on and the last button of my shirts is hanging on in a scene reminiscent of some movie where someone hangs on for their life — because I’ve lost weight.

It’s enough to make me cry, but I’m glad I’m losing. I’m not glad that my pants are full of excess skin and thinner belly however. 

I’ve been experiencing increased energy — I’d never have been able to jog even a few months ago.

My intention is to burn off enough fat that it’s all pretty thin instead of just displaced in areas. 

Quick post. I recently walked 12 miles with Ross and I didn’t die. I even jogged part of the way (most of the first leg of CouchTo5K). We set out to walk 2-4 miles, got lost in the woods, circled around a couple times and wound up realizing how far away we were after we were already like 5-6 miles in. 

I was really tired after, and dehydrated (we hadn’t brough water because we didn’t realize it was a surivalist exercise at the outset). But, I healed quickly and was feeling right after a day.

I had a physical a couple months ago and everything was pretty good — not great. No medications is the best part. Glucose and cholesterol were a bit high and need work. BP is a bit high and needs work. But overall no dire situations requiring medication. That feels really good considering I used to have to take medicines every single day, presumeably forever.

I need to weigh in (I forget what my physical said) and post the results. 

I’m eating a lot better. I try to eat only organic meat and veg if I can help it (and afford it). Getting a lot of Omega 3’s from kale, fish and fish oil, as well as the grass fed beef and natural chicken. I was inspired to overhaul my eating habits after a 1.5 hour lecture from my doctor about our “connection to green” and how our bodies need Omega 3’s to heal. I’ll spare you here, but the long and the short of it was that the reason your great great grandfather was able to smoke a pack of cigarettes, work in the sun, eat bacon and eggs cooked in lard and not get cancer was because the eggs and bacon he was eating was natural, organic food from chickens and pigs that ate natural green plants and/or bugs that ate natural green plants. He had some rationalizations for why this was the case — and hey — he spends all of his time thinking about it and I paid for his opinion so why not take his advice?

If I can eat a steak and I just have to make sure it’s not raised on corn and other cows — hey that’s a small (non-existant) trade off in my book. 

I’ve accomplished some stuff that needed accomplishing. Much more to do. It’s not easy to man-up and deal with stuff that combines emotions with the legal process, money and memories. Panic attacks don’t help productivity and I hate even being someone that deals with them. But I see myself getting stronger, slowly. I couldn’t have done any of this 5 years ago.

I have been fighting a gnawing self-loathing for awhile and doing things to keep my mind occupied. Unfortunately, that tends to mean doing things I shouldn’t be doing, or at least not at the ideal time. Like gaming instead of sleeping or surfing instead of working on my goals or eating out instead of going home.

Then I got hit with bad news from my parents. Long story short, financial insecurity right when I don’t need more financial insecurity.

So I’m fighting the self loathing and panic attacks and outrage and helplessness.

I decided to buy healthy groceries and stop eating out.

And then I decided to walk.

Groceries in the car, I parked at the lake, changed into shorts in the parking lot and took off to Vampire Weekend accompanying me.

I decided exercise was the only way to boost my seratonin where it needs to be to get through this.

I started out and everything hurt.

I was reflecting on why bodies carry so much pain, why my body hurts so much.

And I just kept going.

Thinking about the things I have to be thankful for. Thinking about the things I should be angry about. Thinking about wanting to live instead of die here.

And a funny thing happened after the first mile.

I stopped to take a photo of the sunset. I reflected on it for a moment. How beautiful that was.

All the pain left my body. My shoulders and neck and back which had been aching and pulling me down— just faded away.

I felt 10lbs lighter. I felt like I was going twice as fast as before. Zooming past people. Smiling.

Slowly the feeling faded. Some pain came back, but I was left with a positive feeling. A warmth of hope.

A sense that I could do it, hardship and all.

It’s going to be a long walk.

I’ve lost 20 lbs since beginning the diet.
 Down to 303 lbs with 103 lbs to go to my 200 lbs goal.

Progress.

Eager to break 300. Definitely doing it before my 37th birthday in August. I’d like to be 200lbs when I turn 38. Seems like a good goal, but honestly I’ll be happy to be 200 at 40. Definitely doable.

Mid-way goal is to get low enough to do a tandem skydive. My heart tests out fantastic despite years of abuse, so the weight is the only thing holding me back.

Diet has sucked for awhile now, but I’m still trying to eat lower carb with only occasional sugar.

Exercise has also sucked with the onset of summer. The humidity and couple bouts of allergy induced vertigo has set me back. I’ve felt my mood drop along with my seratonin levels.

Went swimming today. It was a great break and much needed exercise. Swam about 5 straight laps and then spent an hour doing laps on my back. I like to go both directions just using my legs. It’s a great no-impact run/bike motion to go forward (feet first).

Way more stamina with my manly legs than my wimpy arms at the moment, but I dud spend sone time working on the rotator muscles that have been slowing me down for awhile now.

Minus body is still on track.

I’ve lost 16 lbs since beginning the diet.
 Down to 307 lbs with 107 lbs to go to my 200 lbs goal.

Progress.

I can’t wait to get under 200….

Been dealing with some personal demons as I’ve been losing weight and exercising more. I’ve made some important discoveries and unfolded another part of the map that had previously been concealed along with my toes.

I’m still making progress, however. Not only with the weight, but with the demons as well.

Friendship is a very important key to success.

Today’s lunch equation (by designer that doesn’t do math): (Mild Cheddar cheese +Mexican mayo with jalapeños +Rolled in slices of Virginia ham) +Jicama sticks +Walnuts +Diet Mountain Dew (normally it’s water but I’m upping caffeine as a natural diuretic to lower my sodium levels) = i -fat

Yesterday, a friend and I got an hour massage and whirlpool visit that I’d actually purchased back in December (great deal on Groupon!).

It was so relaxing (despite the chatty masseuse).

It was sunny out and I got to wear shorts with the VFFs for the first time.

Had a nice brunch and talked.

Setting off to do my screenwriting for the day, I had my friend drop me off at a coffee shop about a mile and a half from home. This ensured I’d get a walk in despite being relaxed and lazy.

Unfortunately, as I was leaving for home that evening a very strong wind had kicked up and it got very cold. I was getting messages about rain in the area.

So with scary weather imminent (big tree branches were already coming down) and a mile through a not-terrible-but-not-great part of town— me and my giant messenger bag decided to hurry.

Hurrying in new VFFs with a heavy bag is a bad idea.

Started taking longer strides than I should and hitting my heel too much.

By the time I got home I had a sore spot on my heel and my back was aching.

Today I’m quite sore. Feet feel bruised. Back and neck aches.

But, no pain no gain. I wanted to strengthen my feet and this certainly helped.

Today, however, I am wearing nice padded socks and Skechers to let the swelling come down.

Only a couple blocks worth of walking.

Feel silly getting the massage and then beating myself up, but probably no harm done.